I must admit something to you, I was going to kill myself when I got home from school on friday, Ive been planning it out for weeks now, I was going to wait and do it on my 18th birthday but I couldnt stand it any longer. I was going to walk into my house, call the cops and then blow my brains out right then and there on the phone with a dispatcher, so at least my dad wouldnt be the one to find my body. I even have my note written. Just like that, that would be the end of me. Literally every single day, every single moment I think about suicide, for the past six months I have not been able to escape it, I was thinking about it while I was at cage the elephant, and I think about it even when im with you or my other friends, nothing can get my mind off of the thought of if ill make it too tomorrow, sometimes id just go home and put the gun under my chin cock it back and pull the trigger knowing that its empty, some days it reminds me that I have control over my destiny, and other days I wish I wouldve loaded it first. Even as I type this out im sitting here thinking about if I should do it. Why shouldn’t I right? My parents want to follow their own paths in life anyways, not one with me on it, you could easily find a better boyfriend, all of my other friends, they can find someone better to hang out with than me, im not even a part of some of their lives any more. Ill never be even remotely ok at anything I ever pursue, so whats the point of living? There isnt one, its crippling, I just act normal around everyone else so that theyll never know whats going on inside of me, because I dont want to disturb anyones life as they move through it, its just too much of a burden to bear. Ive tried everything and nothing can stop my insatiable desire for my own death, thats why I dont care about doing dangerous and stupid things or putting myself in harms way, because I just want to die, I want it more than anything, there is nothing that I have ever wanted more than to just fucking die. Im just crying now, trying to get through to someone on the suicide prevention hotline, ive called it more than anyone ever should and its never helped. I dont know what to do other than to just end it. Not today, but probably sooner rather than later.