Seriously trying to resist the urge
My friends cant ever seem to fathom what I mean when I say I owe them my life, they think its just a figure of speech but I mean it in a more literal sense than most can imagine, ive tried to explain it once in person but I just couldnt do so, I write this in hopes that it may appropriately convey my emotions once and for all and to help some of you understand what I mean. Let me set the scene. The date is August 2nd 2014, the time, approximately 11:00am, the weather, nice but warm for my taste. Im sitting on the floor in my living room, the dogs are asleep in my dads room with the door shut, but no one else is home. My mouth is propped open, directly across from it I can see my left hand, sweating profusely, twitching nervously. Inbetween my mouth and hand, a gun, a .357 magnum to be exact. I can feel the cold steel rattling against my teeth, I want it so bad I can almost taste the gunpowder, there is no way out, there is no end but now, there is no chance of survival. In the chamber is a smith and wesson armor piercing round, this harbringer of death can go through a car door, it should have no problem making it through my skull. The hammer is cocked back and ready to go, to take me to whatever cruel fate awaits me after leaving this earthly plain of existence. Im staring at the hammer, knowing that it needs human interaction to begin its journey forward, I just wish it would move by itself. Most dont know that when they wake up on a particular morning on a particular day that they are going to die, its always possible but rarely guaranteed, for me it was different, I knew, I had known, for months on end that this morning I would wake up and eat the last food I would ever taste. My finger is now past the trigger guard and officially on its way towards a gruesome end. The trigger has a rough texture underneath the pad of my index finger. “Is this it?” I think. After all of this anticipation after many many months on end of seemingly never ending agony and my insatiable desire to die, will my wish finally be granted? I want it, I want it more than ive ever wanted anything in this entire world it needs to happen this needs to happen. I want that fucking bullet to tear out of that barrel as fast as possible and to turn my brains into a piece of modern art on my wall, to come into my life with the force of a thousand suns and leave my life covered in pieces of brain matter. Pieces that where at one point my thoughts, my feelings, my laughs with friends, my everything and now the pieces that will cause my demise. I can feel my finger tightening around the trigger. I stop moving. All is still, it is as if time itself has been paused and mother nature is holding her breath. I have a moment of something, maybe you could call it clarity but the cynical side of me wants to think of it as a moment of delusion. I feel this cant be it, I feel that this impressive weight bearing me down may move, that my fate is not to meet my demise brutally, at my own hands, I am meant for more. I think of my friends, the nights that came and went, the reality that passed in time but the memories that can never fade. The roller coasters, the road trips, the nights driving through the country, windows down soft music in the background basking in that which is life. That feeling of childlike joy of recalling the time we went on that one adventure with an old friend or a new friend. I am here, it is a great time, a great time to be alive. How can I make more of these memories if it all ends here, now, right now, I and I alone hold the key to the chains that bind this gun to my legacy and i will not go out like this. I pull the trigger. My finger is on the hammer as I slowly guide it back into its resting place behind the firing pin, I unload the chamber and carefully place the gun and bullets back into their respective hiding places, not today I think, not today. This my dear friends is why I owe you my life, without these memories I had in that moment, without the desire to make more, better memories with all of you I would not be here now to write this, I would simply be a stain on a wall. I would not be there to to run to the top of the golf course hill with you, to grab a cup of coffee with you, to walk into all hours of the night with you listening to music and talking about life. We get one shot at this world and I need to make mine count but I could never do it without you. And for that I am forever in your debt dear friends.
People just don’t understand that when I say I’m afraid of the dark I dont mean im afraid of what might be hiding in it but rather the thoughts in my head that might be revealed by it.
I must admit something to you, I was going to kill myself when I got home from school on friday, Ive been planning it out for weeks now, I was going to wait and do it on my 18th birthday but I couldnt stand it any longer. I was going to walk into my house, call the cops and then blow my brains out right then and there on the phone with a dispatcher, so at least my dad wouldnt be the one to find my body. I even have my note written. Just like that, that would be the end of me. Literally every single day, every single moment I think about suicide, for the past six months I have not been able to escape it, I was thinking about it while I was at cage the elephant, and I think about it even when im with you or my other friends, nothing can get my mind off of the thought of if ill make it too tomorrow, sometimes id just go home and put the gun under my chin cock it back and pull the trigger knowing that its empty, some days it reminds me that I have control over my destiny, and other days I wish I wouldve loaded it first. Even as I type this out im sitting here thinking about if I should do it. Why shouldn’t I right? My parents want to follow their own paths in life anyways, not one with me on it, you could easily find a better boyfriend, all of my other friends, they can find someone better to hang out with than me, im not even a part of some of their lives any more. Ill never be even remotely ok at anything I ever pursue, so whats the point of living? There isnt one, its crippling, I just act normal around everyone else so that theyll never know whats going on inside of me, because I dont want to disturb anyones life as they move through it, its just too much of a burden to bear. Ive tried everything and nothing can stop my insatiable desire for my own death, thats why I dont care about doing dangerous and stupid things or putting myself in harms way, because I just want to die, I want it more than anything, there is nothing that I have ever wanted more than to just fucking die. Im just crying now, trying to get through to someone on the suicide prevention hotline, ive called it more than anyone ever should and its never helped. I dont know what to do other than to just end it. Not today, but probably sooner rather than later.